20 Jul I Wake from Dreams with Tears
I just woke with tears in my eyes. I dreamed of the moment after not qualifying for the Olympics. I handled it way different in the dream, though. I had a pool noodle, and I was hitting stuff with it. Like, RAWRRR!!! I was expressing my frustration by physically beating on things.
And then we had some meeting where my coach was saying stuff I thought was totally inappropriate for the moment, so I just got up and gave him the finger. I made some motion that he had no cojones. And then I realized my trainer was nearby, whom I really respect, and I felt shame. He was still loving, though.
He was loving in the dream I woke up from a few weeks ago, too, crying. I showed up at a tennis court, and there he was training some people with his awesome drills. It was another group, another team, another team that wasn’t our team. He was still working; I wasn’t. I ran to him and hugged him. He whispered some affirming words to me, something to the effect of, “You’re still so special and worth it even though your dream wasn’t realized.” I teared up. He looked away because he didn’t want to tear up, too.
I awoke crying and wrote him an e-mail to tell him I love him. In real life.
And then if I rewind just a few weeks earlier, when I finally jumped into a pool after 54 days since Quals, I jumped in smiling…but surfaced crying! It was a, “What just happened there?!” experience, where something outside of my conscious mind needed to express emotion I wasn’t even aware of.
To add to the weirdness, we spent last night preparing a lil’ secret gift for my fellow Canadian athletes at the Games right now. I stepped back from the situation yesterday and said, “Wow, Rose, you’re doing ok if you’re excited for them.”
Yet I’m clearly still mourning my loss.
I’m a paradox right now. Today marks 3 months, and my body knows it.
Consciously, I’m moving forward and not really too tripped out on not making the Games. Subconsciously, something else is happening. I’ve made the decision to look at it like a buddy system within me. Where my conscious mind wants to move forward, keep dreaming and not take anything too seriously, my subconscious might be saying, “Sweet Rosie, we just need to purge a few things.”
I’m ok with it. It’s kinda interesting, to say the least. I’m learning, going with the flow and still buckled up for the mystery of life…and dreams.
Have you ever woken from a dream crying? What happened when your dream failed?